Enigma!
by XxShukketsuYume
Summary: A Wheeler Family Reunion! Fun Fun! XD
1. Creepy Uncle Ed

**Title:** Enigma!  
**Authors:** Pengwinn, HikariKon, Bishi Setura, Hakulover4ever.  
**Summary:** Wheeler family reunion! Fun Fun!  
**Disclaimer:** Blah blah blah, not mine, blah blah blah, no profit, blah blah blah, creators of YGO are God, blah blah blah, no sue, blah blah blah, enjoy!  
**Author's Notes:** Enigma, n. an obscure statement or question, riddle, anything inexplicable. Hikari's brain is an enigma!

"Don't touch that."

"Touch what?"

"That."

"That?"

"That.""Oh. That." Pause. "Why can't I touch _that_?"

"Because, it's _that_."

"But...but that?"

"That.""You sure I can't touch it?""You can't touch it.""Can I please touch it?""No!"

"I'm touchin' it."

"Don't you dar-"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!**

****  
"I told you not to touch it."

"Did he touch it?" Harpie asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Yep. He touched it." Serenity said, sighing and following her in. Rowenna and Joey were standing in the kitchen, covered in lemon meringue pie."Didn't you tell him not to touch it?" Harpie asked.

"Yep." Rowenna muttered. "But it's Joey. He doesn't listen."

"Yeah I do!" Joey shouted.

"How's the ceiling look, Joe?" Rowenna asked.

"Y'know, Gramp and Gram have an excellent taste in ceiling tiles." He commented.

"How did you explode the pie?" Serenity asked, confused. "I've never seen a pie explode before."

"Neither have I." Rowenna noted. "Not until today. Joey's created a new world phenomena."

"What're you kids doing in there!?" Their Grandfather asked, walking into the kitchen. He looked at the lemon meringue covered walls, the lemon meringue covered floor, and his lemon meringue covered grandchildren, and shook his head.

"He did it!" They all shouted, pointing at the poor puppy. Joey growled.

"Shaddup." He muttered.

"Just wait until your grandmother sees this." He said, laughing. "Just you wait."

"Crap." Rowenna muttered, looking around the kitchen. "Well, I'ma go shower. Take care of it, Joey." She said, patting him on the back.

"Yeah, have a blast. Don't blow anything else up."

"Don't blow up any more pies."

Serenity, Rowenna, and Harpie exited the kitchen, leaving Joey to clean up the mess and finish making the pie.

_Skippy Skippy_

Rowenna, Serenity, Harpie, and Joey were all sitting in a corner of the reunion room, staring at all of their relatives. It was much safer in the corner than in the middle of everything. "Should we make a run for it?" Harpie asked anxiously.

"I don't know. Creepy Uncle Ed is stalking around." Rowenna mentioned.

"Prolly looking for us." Serenity noted.

"Creepy Uncle Ed?" Joey asked.

"Creepy Uncle Ed." The three nodded and shuddered in unison.

"Who's creepy Uncle Ed?" Joey asked.

"See that fat, balding, beer bellied, middle aged man over there?"

"He's more than middle-aged, Harp." Rowenna muttered. "He was middle-aged when _I_ lived with him."

"Gold digger." Serenity muttered.

"What's so creepy about him?"

"Hannah! Rowenna! Serenity! How are the three of you doing this lovely afternoon?" Creep Uncle Ed wrapped his arms around Serenity and Rowenna's shoulders, smiling at Harpie and winking.

"We're just fine." Rowenna replied flatly. "It's kind of hot out, Uncle Edward...do you think you could let go of us? It's a bit sticky..."

"Oh, if it's so hot out, why don't you change into your bathing suits? Are the three of you going swimming later?"

"No." Harpie said meekly.

"Why not?" Uncle Ed asked.

"Um...that time of the month." Rowenna mentioned. "We're all being visited by Aunt Flo around the same time." She said, smiling.

"No we're-"Rowenna covered Serenity's mouth and smiled.

"We're actually all about to go inside, is what she meant. I think Mom wants me to make a run to the store for more food. C'mon, guys..." She said, grabbing them and running inside, leaving Creepy Uncle Ed alone on the grass with his Budweiser.

)(Well, Yay for pointless humor fics. Me and HikariKon were writing this, and we were bored...and figured we'd post it. So there it is. Should we continue? What do you think? Lol, Review!)(


	2. Is it illegal to use mace on a cousin wh...

"What the hell was that?" Joey asked, once Rowenna had shoved them all into the house and slammed the door tight. He turned around to face her, his face red with anger.

"Well, see, we never told you about Creepy Uncle Ed…"

"He's got this habit of…"

"Well, he likes younger…"

"Much younger…"

"Females…"

"And he likes…"

"Well, harassing us…"

"Because we're not related…"

"JOEY!"

The group turned around, looking at a very, very slutty, girl standing in the doorway. Joey cocked his head. "Do I know you?" He asked confusedly.

"It's me! Mairi!" She exclaimed, smiling.

"Mairi?" Rowenna asked, her jaw dropping. The last time she'd seen the now sixteen year old, she'd been a tom-boy prude. Now, she was wearing a very revealing, low cut tube-top, an extremely short mini-skirt that gave anyone a lovely view of her thong, and enormous high-heeled sandals. "You um…grew up."

"Mairi?" Joey reiterated. "Wow. Just…wow."

"You like the new look?" She asked, twirling a piece of her bleach blonde hair around her finger and walking seductively to stand next to her older cousin. "I was hoping you would." She leaned against him and Joey sweat dropped.

"I'm sure he likes your new look, Mair. The slut thing really gets him. This incest, too." The group wheeled around and faced another sixteen year old.

"Kailey?" Rowenna asked, cocking her head.

"Yeah. Hi." Kailey nodded in their direction, looking immensely irritated at her twin sister's actions.

"Kail?" Harpie choked on her own saliva, staring at her. Mairi wasn't the only one who changed. Kailey's red hair was dyed black, and was pulled back into two braided pig-tails, which had lime green ribbons threaded through it. She was wearing a lime green fishnet shirt with a black tank top over it, a black parachute skirt, and knee boots, and was leaning against a brick wall glaring at her sister.

"Hey Harp. How ya been?" She asked, walking away from the wall and heading over to them. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"I know!" Mairi said cheerfully, twirling a piece of Joey's hair around her finger. "We really need to catch up." She winked at him and he nervously cleared his throat.

"Uh…sorry Mairi, I'd love to catch up…but we were just uh…leavin'…going to the store, right Ro."

"Yeah, we were going to the store." She said, clearing her throat. Serenity and Harpie nodded vigorously.

"Oh! Can I come!" Mairi asked. "I can sit next to you, Joey." She said, slowly moving her hand up and down his shoulder. He gulped.

"There's not enough room in my car." Rowenna said, sighing. "Sorry Mair."

"But you've got a v-" Serenity chirped before Harpie covered her mouth.

"I don't have the van today, Serenity. I've got Mom's car." Rowenna said, clearing her throat once more. Serenity suddenly understood what they were doing, and nodded.

"Sorry, I forgot…"

"Okay." Dramatic sigh. "I guess I'll have to see you when you get back from the store."

"Yeah, such a pity." Harpie muttered, grabbing Joey's arm and pulling him towards the front door.

They all waved goodbye to Kailey, nodded at Mairi, and ran to the van, hoping Mairi wouldn't catch on that the giant 60's van could fit all of the children at the reunion in it.

**_(In the car)  
_**  
"Man! Mairi is wicked creepy now!" Rowenna said with her hands clenched on the steering wheel and shuddering.

"She needs to learn to control herself and her incestuous ways…"  
Serenity said looking over at Joey who was looking at an add for some near by store.

"Is it illegal to use mace on a cousin who wants nothin' of you but to get in your pants?" Joey asked.

"Yea…I think so…" Harpie said. " Sorry Joefess." She said giving him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"So then I think you should stay as far away from her as possible…" Serenity said.

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" The other three said in unison, Rowenna slapping her hand to her forehead.

"Your welcome…" She replied, not picking up on their sarcasm.

"Well let's go to the store and get some food we know is safe to eat food we know Uncle Ed hasn't had a chance to get into." Rowenna said turning the corner to go to the closest convenience store.

**_(after the excursion)_**

Harpie sneaked in through the front door while the others hid outside. She hid behind a pile of chairs, and scouted around for Uncle Ed or Mairi. When she saw no sign of either of them, she turned to go back outside.

"Hannah!" Someone called from across the room. Harpie looked over her shoulder too see their Aunt Rebekkah.

"Aunt Rebekkah.." She said with mock surprise as her aunt on the O'Hara side wrapped her arms around Harpie and squeezed her tight.

Meanwhile, outside, Rowenna was peeking through the glass doors of the reunion hall. "Oh no…" Rowenna's jaw dropped.

"What is it Ro'?" Joey asked, not daring to look inside.

"It's Aunt Rebekkah." She said flatly, "and where there is Aunt Rebekkah then there's the…" She didn't finish before the roar of "Hannah!" could be heard from inside. "The quints…" She said looking down at the ground.

Back inside Harpie was pinned to the ground by her Aunt's five four-year-olds. "Thanks Hannah…you're very helpful…I'll see you at the end of the reunion!" Rebekkah said waving goodbye to Harpie and her kids.

"Your….welcome?" She said, wondering confusedly how she'd agreed to babysitting when she'd never actually said 'yes'. Rowenna, Joey, and Serenity went inside and all stood over Harpie who still had the quints clinging to her like vices.

"Want some help?" Rowenna asked trying to suppress her laughter.

"That…would be great.." She said as Joey and Serenity began to peel the munchkins from her torso. When the deed was done, Harpie stood up and brushed herself off. Suddenly, Joey yelped in pain and began to hop around holding his shin. They looked down in front of him to see their five-year-old cousin Rylie.

"Rylie…what was that for?" Serenity asked.

"To get stupid's attention." He said motioning to Joey. "My mom told me to come over here with you guys so you losers could watch me…just because Aunt Rebekkah suggested." He said crossing his arms and looking down to the ground with a disgruntled look on his face.

"That's not nice to say about Joey, Rylie…" Harpie said even though she knew it was true. Her comment was replied with nothing but a dirty scowl from Rylie.

"Oh great!" Rowenna hissed, suddenly noting the last part of Rylie's statement.

"What is it? Which munchkin are we landed with now?" Harpie asked, which resulted in a shudder from Joey.

"Rylie!" Aunt Annabelle called from across the hall as she walked over with their three-year-old cousin Bade. "

"Mommy!" Rylie said with a sweet sounding voice, running over and hugging her leg with a practiced smile on his face.

She kneeled down, resting Bade on her knee and hugging him. She looked up at Harpie and Joey. "Thanks for watching them." She said, handing Bade to Serenity and looking back to Rylie. "Now be good and have fun."

"I will Mommy.." He said hugging her again and walking over to Joey and hugging his leg. "We'll have the best time."

"Alright then. See you after the reunion!" She said waving goodbye, walking back to the groups of drinking adults.

"That two-faced brat!" They all said in unison looking down to Rylie who was now brushing himself off.

"I can't believe I touched that!" He said walking over to the quints who were playing a rousing game of Duck Duck Goose.

"We're officially stuck in hell…" Harpie said.  
"Yup…" Rowenna said.

"Well you are the ones who agreed to is…see ya later!" Joey said trying to escape. Rowenna and Harpie grabbed him by the collar.

"Where do you think your going!" Serenity, Harpie and Rowenna asked in a menacing tone.

"Uh…no where…" He said looking defeated.

"Well then…" Rowenna said mentally preparing herself. "Let's go…" She said heading for the group, flanked by Harpie, Joey, and Serenity.

)(Well, there you have it. Another Chappie to Enigma! Yeah, we're dorks. If you think this is actually going somewhere, review!

Signed

Your faithful fanfiction slave monkeys Pengwinn and HikariKon XD)(


	3. RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!

"Why does this always happen to us?" Harpie asked no one in particular.

"Because we're easily taken advantage of?" Rowenna mused.

"Because you're gullible?" Joey suggested.

"Because we're too nice?" Serenity chimed.

"Or because we're in hell." Harpie nodded. The other three moaned, nodding as well.

"Well, let's count the demons. Who do we have?" Rowenna asked.

"Alrighty. First off, there's the quints." Joey muttered, holding up a whole hand. He picked each finger and named it as one of the quints. "Rachel, Darren, Joy, Anna, and Matthew."

"They're Aunt Rebekkah's."

"Yep. Then we've got Bade and Rylie." Harpie noted, motioning her head over to the two faced brat and the three year old.

"They're Aunt Kara's."

"So we've got a five year old." Rowenna sighed, pointing to Rylie. "Five four year olds." The quints smiled and waved. "And a three year old." Bade giggled and sucked on his thumb.

"And we just can't say no." Joey muttered, sweat dropping. Rowenna sighed, nodding. She turned to the massive group of toddlers.

"So munchkins, what do you want to do?"

"We wanna play!" The quints shouted, jumping onto Joey.

"I want candy!" Rylie requested, kicking Harpie in the leg for good measure.

"I want my Mommy!" Bade shouted. Soon the reunion hall was filled with the sound of little children shouting. The adults, however, paid no attention to this spectacle, as they were Irish, and thusly spending a good deal of their money towards the respectful and useful goal of getting completely and utterly smashed.

"This is going to be a long, long day." Rowenna muttered.

She turned to Serenity, who nodded, Joey, who nodded, and Harpie, who nodded, and then she cleared her throat. "OI! MUNCHKINS! SHADDUP!"

"That really is no way to treat little children."

Joey shuddered as the seductive voice came from behind him, and he felt someone softly breathing on his neck. "H-hi Mairi."

"And that really is no way to treat your cousin." Kailey muttered, walking in behind her.

"Hey Joey." Mairi smiled, picking up her little cousin Joy off of Joey's leg and resting her on her hip. "Hi Joy honey, how are you doing today?"

"I'm okay Mairi! I wanna play, but Joey won't play with me!" She said, pouting.

"Oh, that's so sad. Why won't Joey play with you?" Mairi winked at Joey, who shuddered once more. (He seemed to do that frequently in Mairi's presence)

"Well...we didn't exactly ask him to play. We kinda just jumped on him." Rachel noted, getting off of his other leg. Darren, Anna, and Matthew let go of his arms and nodded, looking somewhat guilty.

"I'll tell ya what. Why don't we all play a big game of hide and go seek?" Mairi threw out. All the children nodded vigorously.

"I like hide-and-go-seek!" Bade exclaimed, giggling.

"I want a prize." Rylie demanded.

"That's ridiculous!" Joey exclaimed. "It's a game of hide-and-go-seek! There ain't no prizes in hide-and-go-seek!"

"There are now." Kailey noted, taking out a ten dollar bill. "Whoever wins gets this ten dollars, and we'll take you out to spend it on whatever you want. Right Rowenna?"

"That's right." Rowenna coughed, nodding. "But there's one catch."

"What?" Rylie said, his eyes narrowing with suspicion.

"No matter what, everyone gets free ice-cream." She said, smiling. The quints squealed with joy. "Who wants to be it?"

"I'll do it." Harpie volunteered. "I'll count to one-hundred, you all go and hide." She winked at Serenity, who grabbed two of the quints by the hands and led them away towards the bathrooms as Harpie turned her back to count. Rowenna grabbed two more of the quints to hide with her. Rylie hid by himself, and Kailey and Bade hid with the last quint.

"C'mon, let's go hide, Joey." Mairi said, grabbing him by the arm and leading him off towards the parking lot.

"Ain't we supposed to stay inside for the game o' hide-and-go-seek?" He asked, gulping slightly.

_Meanwhile-_

"99...100!" Harpie shouted, turning around. She smiled, seeing Kailey, Bade and Anna hiding behind the glass door, covering their faces and giggling madly. "Who should I 'look for' first?"

She walked around the hall a couple of times, noting that Rylie was hiding in the coatless coat room, as it was August and the need for coat's wasn't really in season, so he was hiding amongst the hangers, trying look inconspicuous.

Rowenna, Joy and Darren were hiding behind the stack of chairs left over from the set up, Joy's choice of course. How could Harpie see through the legs of the chairs? And with all that giggling, why, she'd never notice they were there. Of course chairs giggle. _All the time._

She nearly fell over laughing at where Serenity had taken that last two quints, Matthew and Rachel, to hide. Serenity and Rachel were hiding in front of the girls' bathroom door, and Matthew, who had refused quite profusely to hiding in a girls' bathroom, was hiding behind the water dispenser just in front of the lavs. Of course Harpie couldn't see him through the plastic bubble that contained clear liquid.

Harpie looked around the hall, unsure of who she wanted to "find" first. She shrugged, deciding that since he was such a pain in her ass, and such an obnoxious brat, Rylie was the first to go down. Laughing at her own evil-older-cousin baby-sitter-ness, she strolled back into the reunion hall, heading towards the coat room.

"Oh my." She said loudly and with mock enthusiasm. "I'm cold. I need to get my coat." She walked over to the coat room, looking in. "Hmm…guess I left my coat at home…but I found a munchkin."

"You cheated!" Rylie accused, stepping on Harpie's foot. "No fair! I want a rematch!"

"There aren't any rematches in hide-and-go-seek Rylie. You lose. Deal with it."

"I want that ten bucks, god damn it!"

"Watch your mouth!" Harpie shouted, whacking him upside the head. "I'll tell your mother."

"Oh yeah?" He smiled evily. "I'll tell her you HIT me!" He started to put on the water works, but Harpie grabbed him picking him up over her shoulder and covering his mouth.

"Shut up you little brat, you still get free ice-cream. That's your prize."

"I want the ten bucks!" He said, although it was rather muffled, as Harpie had slipped a piece of duct tape, (Yay for plot holes! We don't know how she got the duct tape, but she has it!) over his mouth.

"I'm sorry munchkin, what was that?" She laughed. "Now shut up while I find the rest of 'em."

_Meanwhile-_

"Shouldn't we go back inside? Ah mean…hidin' outside idn't really fair in hide-and-go-seek…"

"Oh, Joey, you know that was just started that game to get them to shut up…and so I could be alone with you…" She smiled, biting her lip seductively. Joey gulped.

"Well, uh…it just idn't fair…cos we're still playin', and if we win just cos we cheated then that ain't right."

"Then we're just not playing anymore." Mairi said, pinning Joey to the wall and kissing him lightly on the lips.

"Ay! Ay! Watch it! You're mah cousin!" Joey shouted, trying to push her off. She wrapped her arms around his neck and giggled.

"I researched it. It's only illegal if you get me pregnant. But Mom said I'm sterile, so it's okay!"

"But…it's…ew!" Joey exclaimed, shoving her away once more as she kissed the nape of his neck. "Just…no."

"C'mon Joey! It's not that bad. I'm not that ugly, am I?"

"Okay. So you're hot. So you wanna do me. But you're my cousin! That's just wrong!"

"Oh, so you think I'm hot?"

"Wha-no! I didn't say that! Get away from me!" He whined. She laughed and nibbled at his ear. "No! Stop that! Aaaaaaaah!"

"Out in the parking lot, no one can hear you scream…"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE! HELP ME! I'M BEING MOLESTED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

)(Wheeee! Yay for Joey torture:sigh: We're so eeeeevil. Puppy torture is fun! Yay for Enigma! It's a fun fic! Yay for HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK! The time-old tradition of tricking little children into running away from you so you can do whatever the hell you want! And to think we thought this was going nowhere. :evil cackling: Review and we shall give you more! We're not Frogger Junkies...and we're sure as hell not Review Junkies:nervous laughter: REVIEW!

Signed

Your faithful fanfiction slave monkeys (who are in fact frogger junkies e.e)  
Pengwinn and HikariKon!)(


	4. So if you're barren, do you get your per...

_Meanwhile---_

Harpie stood next to Rowenna and Serenity, looking at the group of munchkins she'd accumulated. Rylie, still having duct tape over his mouth, looking very pissed off, was standing next to Joy and Darren, who were both looking extremely disappointed, but happy that they were getting ice-cream anyway.

Rachel was crying, and Matthew was looking angrily at the ceiling, as though it was the cork-styled ceiling's fault he'd lost at hide and go seek.

"We haven't found the last two kids yet, sweetie." Serenity said sweetly. "We're almost done."

"She knows where they are! She cheated!" Rylie shouted, though muffled through duct tape. Harpie shook her head and kicked him.

"Shaddup munchkin." She grumbled. "Alrighty. I guess I can't find Bade and Anna." She turned away from the glass doors and shouted. "Okay guys! You can come out now! You win!" Two squeals of excitement were heard as they ran out from behind the glass door.

"Yayyy!"

"They're FOUR! What're they gonna do with ten bucks?" Rylie shouted.

"Yeah, well, you're five. What're you gonna do with it?" Harpie snapped, removing his duct tape.

"Just shut up and be a good sport." Kaylie growled.

"Uh...guys?" Serenity put up her finger. "Not to be a pain or anything...but...uh...where's Joey?"

"Good question...he go to the bathroom or something?" Rowenna asked, looking at Harpie. She shook her head.

"Didn't tell me."

"Does that mean we lost?" Bade asked, puppy dog eyes and all.

"No, munchkin. It just means Joey cheated." Rowenna winked. "C'mon, let's go fin-"

" RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE! HELP ME! I'M BEING MOLESTED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF!GETITOFFGETITOFF! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

Serenity, Rowenna and Harpie's eyes all grew wide. "Mairi!" They shouted together, rushing for the parking lot.

"Let's hope he's not too molested when we get out there." Kaylie chimed.

-----------------------------------------

"So you think I'm hot?"

"I already told you! NO!" Joey whined, sweat dropping. "Please leave me alone!"

"Oh c'mon. I'm barren!" Mairi pouted, wrapping one of her legs around Joey's. He gulped quite audibly. She was right. Out in the parking lot, no one COULD hear you scream.

"Listen Mairi...I'm flattered and all...but...it's just...I've kinda got a girlfriend..."

"That's crap. Mom told me that your girlfriend already dumped you. Like...a month ago."

"How do people find out this crap?" Joey exclaimed. "I don't even live with my parents anymore!"

"Well, she heard it through Aunt Rebbekkah, who heard it from Aunt Annabelle, who heard it from Aunt Maureen, who heard it from Rowenna while she was talking to Serenity."

"Yay for eavesdropping." Joey muttered.

"So it's true then?"

"No it ain't! Me and Bish got back together!"

"Suuuuuuuuuure."

There was a hiss from their left, and their conversation was cut short. The two teenagers turned to find a pissed off looking Rowenna, flanked by a disgusted Harpie, and a slightly confused Serenity. Behind them was a rather amused, but still disturbed, Kaylie.

"Okay Mairi, back away from my brother or I'll rip out your ovaries." Rowenna growled.

"That wouldn't do much, seein' as she's barren and all." Joey growled.

"There's still reason for them."

"So if you're barren, do you get your period?" Serenity asked. The group just glared at her in awe.

"What does it matter?" Harpie exclaimed, shaking her head. "Listen, Mar, either you step away from the inu, or I kick your ass."

"He's your cousin! That's just gross!" Serenity exclaimed.

"Not if your cousin is as hot as Joey is."

"Or if you're as incestuous as Mairi." Kaylie muttered. She turned toward her twin sister in disgust. "Honestly. I'd understand slightly if the kid even liked you back a little bit, but obviously, he's completely disturbed."

"Kid!" Joey exclaimed, distracted from Mairi's hands moving under his shirt because of the remark from his younger cousin. "I'm older than ya!"

"Watch where those hands are going, Mairi." Harpie grumbled.

"I can't keep my hands off of this hunk. I don't know how you two do it." Mairi said, winking.

"Aw, cut it out. You're making him blush." Rowenna growled.

"More like vomit." Harpie muttered. Harpie and Rowenna slowly advanced on Mairi, who was still straddling Joey.

"Uh...guys...where did you-"

"Not now Joey, we're saving your ass." Rowenna snapped.

"Do you WANT to get raped by your cousin?" Harpie asked. "'Cause if so, we'll just leave you be."

"No! Help me!" He exclaimed.

"Hey!" Mairi pouted, seeming very offended.

"Then don't criticize us, puppy boy." Harpie nodded. Rowenna smiled.

"Now then. Off my brother, or I have your ovaries. Understand?"

"Fine." Mairi sighed, slowly removing herself from Joey.

"Now what were you going to say?" Rowenna asked him.

"Where are the kids?"

)(XD Yeah...short chappie, we know. It's the first time we've written together in a while, and not much was coming to mind...we're all dumberer because of skool! Yay! e.e; Yeah...er...so anyw007, review, and we shall supply you with more...interesting...Wheeler family-ness...:well, we're probably gonna supply you with it ANYWAY, but it'd be nice if you reviewed:  
Right then. REVIEW! ... please.

Your faithful fanfiction slave monkeys,

HikariKon and Pengwinn )(


	5. Talented Kids

The group stared at each other. Somehow, during the scuffle of going outside, they hadn't left anyone to watch the children. They turned around and looked at the outside of the building. 

"Oh boy." Harpie muttered, sighing.

"This is going to be interesting."

"How do you think they did that?" Joey asked, staring at the roof.

"I don't know. Talented kids." Rowenna shrugged. "Let's go get 'em?"

"Off we go."

The group advanced on the children, who were, at the moment, wreaking havoc. Joey and Rowenna were moving towards the three children, Rylie, Bade, and Anna were running around. Rylie was trying to get Bade and Anna's prize money from the game of hide and seek.

Rowenna's heart nearly dropped through her stomach as Bade tripped and went tumbling down towards the ground. Joey leaped out and caught him just before he hit the ground.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!" He giggled.

"No way in hell." Joey mumbled. He handed Bade off to Serenity, and started climbing onto the roof.

"Y'know, you'd think the adults would notice this." Mairi muttered.

"Too drunk." Rowenna sighed, spotting Matthew running after a rather shiny penny that was rolling towards traffic. She ran forward and picked up the little boy, swinging him around in the air. He started screaming and kicking at her.

"I want the shiny!" He shrieked. "THE SHINY!"

"SERENITY! PUT THEM IN THE VAN! WE'LL TAKE 'EM OUT TO GET THEIR ICE CREAM!" Rowenna shouted, handing Matthew to Serenity. Serenity put Bade and Matthew in the van.

Harpie was having horrible luck getting Joy and Rachel to get out of the dumpster. Apparently, they were having a blast in the heap of trash, and were refusing to come out.

"Hey! Put that down! That is NOT a toy!" Harpie shouted, diving into the dumpster and tearing the syringe out of Rachel's hand. Joy was about to stick what looked like a used condom in her mouth when Harpie grabbed the two of them and jumped out of the dumpster, running over to the van. "Serenity! Take them!"

Serenity covered her nose and took the toddlers, buckling them in the backseat. "Ro, you're lucky you can seat so many in this van!"

Mairi wasn't listening to any of this, as she was running around the parking lot, trying to grab Darren. Darren was setting off car alarms by poking the vehicles with a stick he'd found on the ground. The beeping was insanely loud. Yet again, the adults were so drunk, they couldn't hear a thing. Mairi grabbed him just as he was going to poke what looked like a very expensive BMW and carried him over her shoulder, him whacking her with his stick, to Serenity. Serenity grabbed him and put him in the car.

The group looked up at the roof. Rylie had cornered Anna, and was trying to force her to give up her money.

"What are you gonna use it for?" He shouted. "You don't know how to spend money! You're too little!"

Joey finally made it up onto the roof and slowly snuck up behind Rylie. Anna was about to say something, but Joey put a finger to his lips. She nodded, and he grabbed Rylie by the shirt, swinging him over his head and shouting to Rowenna. "C'mon, get over here! He's kicking my shins!"

Rowenna grabbed Rylie, walking over to the van and putting him in as Joey grabbed Anna and brought her down from the roof.

Once everyone was tucked safely into the large, (and rather smelly) van, Rowenna turned the key in the ignition and took off for the nearest ice-cream place, and maybe the nearest bathtub.

(Hey hey all! Yep. I updated. Amazing, ne? I'm finishing this off very, very soon, since it's dying. HikariKon didn't actually help me on this chapter, but I'll be sure to get her next time. ; Oh, and if you're wondering why Kailey's missing from the chapter, it's because we changed her a bit, and I need to go back and fix her...so...yeah. Um...review, please?

Thankee!

Your faithful fanfiction slave monkey,

Pengwinn)


	6. No one could hear them scream

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Joey wheezed. He was crammed in the back of Rowenna's van, in-between the two smelly munchkins, and he unfortunately had no form of ventilation. 

"Well, deal with it for now!" Rowenna snapped from behind the wheel. She was beginning to get extremely stressed out, as children weren't her expertise, and she hated family reunions.

"Hey Rowenna...is it just me or has every single ice cream parlor been closed so far?" Harpie mentioned from her station between Rylie and Bade and Anna. Her lucky job was to keep Rylie from tearing Bade and Anna apart, so instead she was the one being bitten, poked, stabbed with random things on the floor, as well as spat on, and anything else that the little devil could possibly think of.

"That money should be mine! They're little! They don't know what to do with it!" Rylie shouted as he continued to claw at Harpie's arm. Harpie gave him a look that made him shut up, for about as long as a fish's memory-span. He instantaneously began to badger her again

"Ro...Find a place...Quick..." Harpie pleaded.

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" Rowenna shouted. Kaylie was up front with her, reading road signs.

"You'd figure they'd have one open. It's the summer-time!" Kaylie whined. Even though the windows in the front seat were open as wide as they could be, the stench of the two dumpster-ridden children was still filling the whole car.

"Hey! Look!" Serenity screamed from her seat, waving her arm around wildly. "That parlor is open!"

"Where? I don't see it!" Rowenna shouted.

"There! Turn now!" Mairi shouted.

Rowenna immediately slammed on the brakes, as they were about to pass it. She pulled in and parked the car. They all piled out of the car in front of the building.

"Fresh air!" Joey said inhaling and exhaling deeply. However, he promptly fell out of the van onto his face. This act of idiocy was ignored by the rest of the group as they were all rushing for the door.

They all walked into the practically empty store and filed up to the counter, the two reeking children, Rachel and Joy right in front. The store owner came out just after Rowenna rang the little bell on the counter. He was a fairly big man who kind of looked like Santa, without the beard or hair.

"Hello and welco-..." He was stopped short, sniffing the air like a connoisseur. "What is that awful smell?" He asked. He smelled the air around the two children, and started gagging. "Get out! I can't have you smelling up my store!" He shouted, covering his face with a handkerchief and ushering them all outside. Once they were safely on the other side of the glass, he locked the door.

Harpie, Joey and Rowenna looked at the door in disbelief. "He did not just do that to us..." Rowenna said.

"Yea he did." Joey said gawking at the man inside.

"Did you notice that that guy looked like Santa…?" Serenity chirped. The other three just looked at her in amazement.

"It doesn't matter! Aaaaaaah!" Harpie shouted, screaming at the top of her lungs and glaring at the children.

Rowenna turned to the kids now infuriated. "Munchkins! Incestuous twins!" Kaylie and Mairi looked at her, horrified. The children looked completely terrified.

"Back in the van!" Joey exclaimed, motioning for them to get back in the car. He was noticing that his sister was about to pop a blood vessel in her fore-head.

"We need to figure something out." Rowenna growled, looking at the retreating forms of her younger cousins. She turned to Harpie, Joey and Serenity.

After the rest piled back into the van, the four of them formed a huddle.

"Alright, there is no ice cream parlor in town that is open today." Rowenna stated.

"And if there is, they'll make the owner and all their other customers gag." Harpie muttered cynically, motioning to the van.

"So then what are we gonna do?" Joey asked.

"I dunno..." Harpie said putting her hand on her chin, rubbing it, as though in deep thought.

"I know!" Serenity almost yelped after they all had a few minutes of contemplating. "Why don't we just go to the grocery store and buy them what ever kind of ice cream they want?" The other three gaped at her.

"Rowenna..." Harpie said.

"Yes Harpie?" Irritation oozed out of her voice.

"I think...that this...is the only useful thing she has said through this whole thing."

"Well let's not sit here waiting for the grass to grow! Let's get a move on!" Joey ordered, "Oh and Harpie...You sit with Joy and Rachel in the very back.."

"Wait! That's not-!"

He smirked quite sadistically, and shoved her into the car. Choosing not to sit with Rylie, Bade and Anna, he turned the job over to Serenity, so that she would get mauled, instead. He took shot gun this time, booting Kaylie out of his seat, and Kaylie and Mairi retreated to the back, yet again.

Rowenna went faster than she even knew that her van could even take her. She was lucky there weren't any cops around or she would have so been pulled over, and that ticket would not have been pretty. They found the nearest Piggly Wiggly and ushered all the kids in. The stampede of children rushed for the ice cream aisle, Rowenna, Joey, Harpie and Serenity rushed after them, Mairi clinging to Joey's side. Kaylie fell behind walking at a normal pace. Soon the whole freezer aisle was flooded with children and flying ice cream.

"We want chocolate!" Bade and Anna said

"I want Butterscotch Almond Chip!" Rylie ordered Joey to get it for him.

"That's nice." Joey muttered.

"Joey, be nice to the little devil, and you won't get hurt." Mairi said, smirking and getting the ice-cream for him.

Kaylie stared at the Ben and Jerry's intently, mentally debating over Chubby Hubby, or Phish Food.

"We want Splendiferously Chocolaty Chocolate Surprise with Marshmallows!"(name provided by Kitsune777) The quints all wailed in unison. Soon...mass chaos (as if there wasn't before) erupted in the aisle. The small children all divided and were throwing all kinds of ice cream into the cart until it was overflowing with gallons upon gallons of ice cream.

"Ok kids...how about you pick out only...a few types of ice cream ok?" Serenity asked them in a cute little voice that you would normally use to talk to a baby.

"No!" they all yelled back together and began to pout.

"Hey guys..." Joey poked Rowenna and Harpie in the shoulders, "How are we gonna pay for all of this?"

They both looked at Harpie. "You have a credit card don't you..." They said with evil smiles on their faces.

"Yea..."

"Good...your using it..." Rowenna ordered her.

"Bu-"

"No buts! Just do it!"

"What crawled up her ass and died?" Joey muttered under his breath.

"The kids? Or that awful smell of them?" Kaylie said, chuckling.

"Fine! But you owe me sooooooooooo bad for this.." She said and dragged the cart to the register.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Five-hundred dollars!" You made me spend five-hundred dollars on ice-cream!" Harpie screamed at Rowenna as the bag boys loaded the ice cream into the van.

"Well you let us use your card..." Joey said looking around innocently.

"Oh well...they have their ice cream..." Harpie said with a sigh, "Now those two need to be bathed." She said pointing to Joy and Anna.

"Once these kids are finished eating? They're all gonna need to be bathed." Rowenna added, looking at one of the quints, who had managed to somehow get ice-cream on their forehead.

_---Much, much later---_

Harpie, Rowenna, Serenity, and Joey sat on the floor of their bathroom, gasping, covered in soap suds and water.

How right Rowenna had been. Indeed, all of the children had needed to be bathed. Every. Last. One. The process with the quints had been merely automatic, as all the children loved water, and thought this was a game. They loved being passed from one teenager to the next, having various cleaning jobs done to them.

The real difficult task, oddly enough, was getting Bade near the water. Apparently, he was the only child any of them had ever met, who was aqua phobic. He screamed every time water touched him as though he was being sliced with a knife.

"How does he get bathed at home?" Joey had screamed over Bade's shrieks of terror. "He's never quite as dirty as the rest of them!"

Rylie had been able to clean himself, for the most part, as he was five. He'd only needed a little help from Serenity; he wouldn't let any of the others near him.

Once all of the children had been bathed, they were passed to Mairi and Kaylie, who had dried them off, and then clothed them.

"Uh, pardon the intrusion." Kaylie quipped, walking into the bathroom, knocking slightly on the open door. "But we should probably get back to the party hall, don't you think? It's almost 9:50, and the party ends at 10:00..."

"We've spent."

"Since noon."

"With these brats."

"That's.."

"Eleven."

"Hours."

They sobbed from their places on the floor.

Rowenna got up, groaning and sighing. "Let's go. Let's get these munchkins home."

"I'm with ya on that one." Joey grumbled, standing up, almost falling on the slippery floor. He helped Serenity to her feet, and Rowenna gave Harpie a hand up.

"Shall we?"

"Let's shall."

------

It was much easier getting them in the van than before. Bade was completely passed out from the ordeal of being bathed, so Harpie was carrying him over her shoulder as he snored quietly, sucking his thumb. Rylie had finally calmed down. It appeared that he did have a point in time when he had run-down; 10:00. Serenity was half-carrying, half-dragging him towards the van. The quints, sported by Rowenna, Mairi, and Kaylie, were all dozing on and off, muttering things in their sleep.

"They're angels when they want to be." Rowenna mentioned.

"This is why I want kids." Serenity said, sighing. The group, yet again, stared at her in awe.

"I'm never babysitting for you." Joey snapped. "I love you. But no. Not that much."

They strapped all the children into the car, and Joey took shot gun, Serenity, Harpie, Mairi and Kaylie all picking various seats in the back, supporting different sleeping children on the ride home.

----

As they pulled into the parking lot of the reunion hall, Rowenna groaned. "Oh no. Oh gods no."

"What? What is it?" Joey asked. Too late. He saw what was making his sister growl inside.

Every single aunt and uncle he had was walking out of the hall, waving Budweiser's in their shaking, angry fists. Because the windows were rolled down, their angry shouts filled the van.

"Where the hell have you been!"

"Thought they were dead!"

"I should kill you!"

"You're trying to corrupt my children"  
"Enough of your crap!"

"What did you think you were doing!"

Rowenna parked the van, sighing and getting out of the van slowly. Joey quickly went to follow suit, but she shook her head at him and turned towards the adults. "Hey guys…sorry we're back so late. We were playing hide and go seek with the kids, and for a prize we gave them ice-cream. And they got kinda sticky, so we gave them all baths."

Unable to argue that this was a valid excuse for not being there, and somewhere, in the back of their drunken minds, noting that they had thrown their children off on her in the first place, none of the adults yelled at her. They all muttered, "fines" and "whatevers" and collected their children, barely sober enough to drive them home.

Kaylie and Mairi got out of the van, sighing and turning back to them.

"I'll see you guys around. It was fun hanging out with you. Haven't done it in a while. I miss you." Kaylie said, giving all three girls a hug, and just kind of nodding at Joey. She handed Rowenna a piece of paper. "That's my cell-phone number. Call me sometime."

"Can do." Rowenna said, smiling and nodding.

"I'll see ya around, Joey." Mairi said huskily, winking at him. He shuddered and glared at her.

"Yeah. Right."

As the four watched their aunts and uncles drive away, Harpie suddenly growled angrily. Rowenna, Joey, and Serenity turned to look at her.

"What?" Joey asked.

"We didn't get anything"  
"What do you mean? Ice-cream? Harp, if you wanna pay for it-" Rowenna mentioned. "I'll drive."

"No. We didn't get any money. Nothing. For this."

They stared in amazement, realizing that she was right.

Out in the parking lot, no one could hear them scream.

FIN

)(Well, that's the end. I know. Terrible, eh?

I just felt that this fic needed to be finished. And isn't that a wonderful ending?

If you want sequels, or anything like that, just ask. Reviews would be nice.

Thankee!

Your faithful fan fiction slave-monkeys,

HikariKon and Pengwinn. XD )(


End file.
